Its been 10 days or so since I last wrote. Alot has happened. I did go to Joplin, and enjoyed my time with Lydia , James and the Preaching/Teaching crowd. It was a good conference.
By Wednesday I was especially tired, and weary of the crowds, so I came home early. I didn't feel great and did not want to deal with driving home late at night. I missed my wife and my bed.
Thursday (3-1) I worked at home. Mid afternoon, I felt very crummy and had some numbness in my right side, arm and weakness. I also had some blurry vision. Honestly it was not nearly as bad as one year ago, so I waited it out, went to a meeting and carried on. It passed. Later that night Pam and I went to a ball game. While there, I stumbled and nearly fell completely over. Pam caught my one arm, I caught myself against some railing, and went on. But over time I felt increasingly weakened, and unsteady. By Sunday AM, I told the guys at our Prayer time that I did not feel that good. They prayed, and God got me through two services of preaching. I told Pam about the episode on Thursday. She was not happy. Pam said that she and the kids noticed that I was "quiet" alot over the weekend.. and somewhat disengaged. My check up with the Nuerologist was Monday afternoon.
She was irate that I did not go to the hospital when it happened again. What saddened me was that she was mad with Pam, who did not diserve it. She didn't know. I told the Dr. that it was my doing because I kept it from Pam. She was not a happy camper.
So this week, I have seen a real definciency in right side strength and processing. After an MRI, Echocardiogram, EEG, and Doppler Ultrasound of the veins in my neck, the results were given yesterday ( 3-8). Everything but the EEG was excellent. The Brain scans showed more damage when compared to a year ago. Which means something happened.... don't know exactly what to call it, but something happened last week, and more damage was done.
Bottom line, I lost several months of ground that I had gained through rest, rehab and concentration. It is noticeable to me and my family.... probably will not be to alot of other people.
It is kind of like blowing our your knee, rehabing for a year, and then going out and blowing it again. Very discouraging. But God has a plan.
On top of all that, I mentioned to the Dr. that I had a sore spot in my left leg, that at one time last week I thought might be a blood clot. She decided to send me to the hospital this morning for an ultrasound. It did not hurt any more, just last week when I was in Joplin. I really thought it was a pulled muscle.
Well, low and behold, it was a blood clot, IN THE OTHER LEG!.... I don't get that...but one thing about blood clots in legs.... they do not let you out of their sight, until they have figured it out and started filling you will blood thinner. So 6 hours in the ER produced a grumpy charlie, a tired Pam, and orders to take it easy, take a ton of medicine, and learn to give myself injections of blood clot disolving medicine for the next week. And oh by the way, don't get yourself in a position where you will bleed, because if you do, you will really bleed... even to death. Nice.
I have been discouraged all week...wondering what sense this all makes. I am in better shape than I have been in 15 years... I think I am managing some things well. But God still is not through shaping me yet. He is teaching me to trust Him for every moment in my life. I am learning personally that life is short ( I know that... but I guess I constantly need reminders.)
I also am learning that one setback does not mean you have exhausted your quota of disappointment and setbacks for your life. I guess I was thinking I had paid my dues... but that is not true. It is a lesson I need to learn, especially since I have had so little to deal with in the past 48 years.
I take heart in Romans 5:3ff " Not only so, be we also rejoice in our sufferings, becaused we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance ,character, and character , hope."
Honestly, I don't consider this suffering. But I do take comfort in knowing that my perservance produces character, and my character accesses me to God given hope.
I need that right now... There is a purpose. The Ultrasound today was a gift from God. I had no pain or swelling in my right leg. I am not sure if this clot caused the episode last week, but I suspect that this is not a coincidence. I will give God the credit, and continue to take better care of myself. The reality is that if I did not have that ultra sound, I very well might have been a victim of DVT, or some other bad deal.
I have often said, "Its 2 steps forward and 1 step back." It is trite, but real... and for me now is the time not to give up, but to press on, even carefully and slowly.
During this last week I have also read the book written by Bob and Lee Woodruff. He is the news anchor who survived the IED blast in Bagdad. For the first time, I have found someone who could put into words much of what I feel from a day to day basis. "In an Instant" has encouraged me to see how much worse it could have been for me... and that some of the things I feel inside are real...( Its hard when you feel crummy and yet on the outside you "look great.")
The phrase, "swimming in jell-o" hit me right between the eyes ( no pun intended). It is what I feel most of the days when I wake up feeling , what I call, "foggy."
It is a great book, and I will write more about it in the future.
I appreciate the prayers of everyone who reads this. The future is bright, if still a bit of an uncertainty for me.
Charlie
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